Have you ever heard this phrase in a relationship: “I already know this shit”? It’s a frustrating statement many couples therapists (and let’s be honest, partners themselves) encounter. But what does it really mean? Let’s explore why this dismissive attitude hurts relationships and how open communication can lead to a happier you (and your partner!).

The Allure (and Illusion) of Knowing It All

We’ve all been there. Maybe it was a fight about communication (ironically!), a lack of connection, or a dwindling sex life. The urge to shut down with a frustrated “I already know this stuff” can be strong. But let’s unpack this a bit further:

• The Aggressive Tone: Often, this phrase is delivered with a harshness that shuts down any possibility of a productive conversation.
• The Myth of Knowing it All: Is it really possible to know everything about a complex dynamic like a relationship? Even the most experienced couples can benefit from new perspectives and tools.
• Dismissive Language: Calling the situation “shit” adds negativity and undermines the importance of working together as a team.

A Story of Missed Opportunities

Sometimes, the most powerful lessons come from personal experience. Here’s my personal story that highlights the emotional toll of dismissive communication:

I noticed the kick I felt in my guts when I first heard this phrase. We had had discussions many times over about not connecting and not having enough sex. We would always end in a messy argument and days of silent treatments. We decided it would be best if we sought help from a counsellor or a therapist.  Maybe they had answers and something that would fix our diminishing relationship.  

The drive to the clinic was difficult. It was silent, other than defensive body language, held breath or the occasional huff. Sitting in the waiting room was frigid.  No eye contact, no feelings of support or relief that we were finally seeking help.

The therapist could have cut the air with a knife and I’m sure she felt my pain with the knowing glance she shot my way.  

Seated distantly in clinic-looking chairs, she asked what we were there for.  I said that we needed help to get back on track to loving each other again. 

“I know all this shit already.” The words spat out of his mouth. “I work too much. I don’t help out with home stuff. You don’t feel loved. I don’t pay you enough attention. I know all of this. You’ve told me before.”

My stomach bunched up tightly, like a fist, making me feel sick. My heart not only skipped a beat it also felt like it was being strangled.  

There was a moment where I wanted the floor to swallow me, holding back tears, and disbelief about the frustration heard in those words as they were delivered.  

My mind raced.  If you already know all of this, why are we here?  Why haven’t we been doing all the stuff you already know, to avoid being here?  I felt confused and disappointed. 

Our hour-long  session continued.  He thought I was blaming him for everything, I thought he was blaming me. All in all, we left, knowing all this shit already, yet neither of us doing anything about it.  With no real direction to help us.

The car ride home was intense.  “Well, that was a waste of my time and money to be told all the shit I already know.”

See how a seemingly harmless phrase can damage a relationship? It also highlights the importance of open communication and seeking support when needed.

We did already know what we were both doing, and more importantly, not doing that was continuing to tear us apart, yet neither of us knew how to break through our issues. 

Why We Need Support, Even When We “Know”

The beauty of couples therapy, or coaching, lies in creating a safe space for open communication. Here’s why seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness:

• Vulnerability and Courage: It takes guts to admit your relationship needs work. It shows a commitment to making things better.
• Finding the Right Fit: A good therapist or coach creates a space where both partners feel heard and understood. They offer guidance and tools to help you communicate effectively.

Moving Forward Together

My philosophy as a couples coach centres on building healthier relationships, better communication and more connection. Here’s what you can expect when you work with me:

• Shared Goals: We’ll work together to define what a successful outcome looks like for both partners.
• Accountability and Openness: I create a safe space for honest communication without blame.
• Building on What You Know: Sometimes, even things we “know” need to be revisited and re-evaluated. We can work on forgotten skills or explore new approaches.

The Power of Coaching

Through couples coaching, you can learn to:

• Feel Valued and Heard: I address the emotional needs of each partner, ensuring both voices are heard.
• Work Through Unspoken Issues: We’ll explore the deeper dynamics at play in your relationship.
• Invest in Each Other: Putting in the effort to strengthen the bond can lead to a happier and more fulfilling relationship.

Don’t suffer in silence. Open communication and professional support can lead to a happier, healthier relationship. If you’re ready to move beyond “I already know this stuff” and work towards a better relationship, I’m here to help. Couples coaching is an interactive and adventurous way to connect again with playfulness and excitement for your ongoing connection. 

Want to have a chat about how you can improve communication in your relationship?

Book your free 30min Quickie Call by clicking the button above.

Chat soon,

Leanne